it's been a looooong time! i havent had the time to check this blog cuz ive been busy updating my other blog. if you guys wanna check it out... the addy is...

http://aysing.diaryland.com

hahaha kat! you got me confused there ah?! :p haha.

tita biaaaaaaanx! amishuuuu!

sis leiiiiiiiiiii! mishuuu den! hehe.

mariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis! wala lng. hi...mishu den. hehe.

thanks dieb! :p

people are really complex beings i can't seem to perfectly understand! and i, being part of this faction makes it more complicated.


weird..i just wanted to post a pic.

i was just being selfish with my last entry. what a self-centerd person ive become! i gues i was just thinking of me, myself and i. however, i can't fight that feeling. that's what i felt that moment so i made an entry about it.

we talked for hours last monday till 4:00am. twas one of the best conversations i had with him. we were so transparent. everything was all about honesty. he said i was sooo nice...in a not so good way. maybe i really am cuz i can't stand a day having to deal with a fight without doing anything so i usually swallow my pride. and that's one of my problems. i dont want to hurt people so even if im hurting so bad...it doesnt matter anymore as long as ive done something to make things better.

he made me realize how lucky i am to have my life. so if there's any problem, crying is not a solution nor an option. i shud be strong and learn to fight. that's the best thing i learned from him so far. he's damn right! and now, im trying my best to be strong. and im getting some of my strength from his inspiration and words.

i wudnt trade my babuy for anyone else! we may have all these kinds of flaws...but who cares? those are jst some of the reasons why im loving him so much!

im such a crazy person! im just happy now. im ok now.

i guess miracles really exist. i never thought that things will turn out better soon. it just did. we juz talked to our adviser and we asked for another chance. she was sooo nice. i love her! God is really good. He has his own ways to make things work.

tita...thanks!

is this really it? are we really failing our thesis? please slap me! i can't seem to find the energy to make myself believe. i am too shocked, too depressed and too sad to hear that the one person we're really expecting to help us is backing out now. i can't believe it. we even considered the option of who's going to die for the two members to pass. pathetic? yes. we're that desperate. there's a rule kse in the thesis guidelines that if one of ur members died, automatically, u pass! even without having to finish it. well, whos it gonna be? i would wllingly do it. im so tired. i think i dont have a face to show my parents. im so sad because the pain of seeing them disappointed on me is devastating. theyve been so good to me. they were very supportive and what do they get in return? a failing me? come on! i cant take that kind of pain. i value their respect, trust and love so much that i cant bear to see them sad. i would give up everything if they tell me to do so. this thing doesnt bother me at all but if i remember that this affects my parents...i totally want to die. why is everything happening so bad? this thesis, school and another problem. it's all coming to me at an instant. im getting so burned out. i think i cant handle it anymore. all these feelings are really making me insane. what if God is punishing me for all my sins? and what if He hates me so bad thats why He's letting all these things to happen. i am so saad. i want to cry but ive done it already. i want to be invisible so nobody would see and i dont have to pretend that im ok when in fact im not. the sadness and guilt are overwhelming. it's like it eats up the whole of me. i wish time would just stop so i can be alone. i wish i can bring back all the wasted time and redo my life again so i will not commit the same mistakes again. but i just couldnt...im stuck at this orbit and i am left of nothing but the bad things. im messed up and so is my so-called "perfect-life"

yeah yeah...im feeling much better now....

after that roller coaster ride...i finally had the guts to bang my head on the wall and let it all go! and by the way, cuz of so much anger last sunday night...i deleted my friendster account! it felt bad...really! but i guess it was...uhm....a closure...or...i dont know how to call it exactly.

well....we're doing better now. i dont know, it just happened. after all that never ending explanations...damn! screw luv! now, i want to flush myself on the toilet bowl cuz of all the bad things i said from my previous entry. but...the hell! i felt that way at that moment right?

err...im outta here!

i suddenly had this urge to type something and reveal my thoughts. honestly, i forgot my pw here in tabulas and i thought im not gonna be able to use it again. and besides, i told myself im just gonna type in here my most intimate thoughts. owel, i guess im having one right now.

i dont know. i feel so empty and alone. i really have this problem and thinking about it gives me butterflies on my stomach. im nervous, stressed out and on the sooo worrying mode. im not really in the mood and maybe if i am, i wudnt share it either. i want to deal with it alone. but sometimes, you feel like bursting and as if you want to spill the beans. but i guess im a little different. i keep these things for myself. im never so open about what i really feel. now, im going insane. i dont know what to do... i just hope God will help me in this one. i know He's all good. i may have forsaken Him a lot of times but i just hope He can find a place in His heart to forgive me. im really sorry...

i had plans on going out today but it's like destiny telling me not to. do i sound so pathetic now?

i texted b and invited him to go out. maybe it's just my way of telling him that i need him now. it's so unlikely for me to invite him out of nowhere. and knowing that he's busy today because he has to attend a wedding with his family...this is different. but im not that selfish cuz i know he's gonna be deadtired at 4pm and feeling so exasperated wearing a barong all day so i told him wag na lng. maybe i just needed company. moments that can make me forget even for just a sec.

i am a certified home alone! it's driving me nuts! the silence is deafening! my heart is pounding like hell! im just counting hours...

maybe i need to get drunk just like i did last oct 7. that if i woke up the next day...im going to have a terrible headache, bruises all over my body and insanity! im so f*cked up! i want to die...